I'll tell you before I get too far... I have no idea where this is headed. :)
I've been feeling terribly overwhelmed lately, by a bunch of nothing. I've also been thinking a lot in metaphor. For example, the inside of my head is like a tiny closet, where in order to sort anything out, you have to take everything out and lay it down in front of you before you can put it back where it goes. My brother gave me a good metaphor when I was discussing this problem with him. He told me it's like a ball of yarn that you have spent everyday of your life tangling up, and then one day you finally give in and tell yourself, "this is the day I untangle this mess." The task is so daunting, that you feel like unless you have an excess of time to devote to this problem, you might as well not start. But where do you draw the line between living in chaos and shutting down completely? This reminds me of a quote I read not long ago that I can't get out of my head:
"And the day came where the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." --Anais Nin
It seems so ridiculous to me that I could have so many ideas and so much potential, yet no motivation to get me there. I love my job, but let's be honest... it's not the best I can do. I have so much passion burning inside of me for others and for helping and teaching and ART-- what am I doing answering phones and pushing papers? This is not my full capacity. The only true goal I have ever had in life is to be a mother... and that will happen when it happens. For now, it's hard to know where to go from here. It's so strange how comfortable can feel so... awkward.
Then I go back to Friday when Jeff got a fortune cookie that inside said, "It is better to have a hen tomorrow than an egg today." I think that's where I'm at. I just need to wait for my hen and resist the eggs. She'll come... I know she will.
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1 comment:
I like the title here, and the how you think its going to be like "which came first" or something, but its about patients and introspection/inner calling.
I love that the one thing you and I share above all else is that we both have this burning inside us to create. And its awesome that God puts that desire/ability in us, from His own image.
I mean, everything I do, guitar, photography, doodling, computer media, all of it, is all i want to do. even writing. All i want to do is create. Create and compell. I'm working on the compelling part.
Let your job be a means. If you work from 8-4, 8-5, whichever it is, you've still got all night to art! All weekend (if you ever stop coming home :) ) ya know? And you've got your own space at home where you can leave things to sit while you pause for work or something. ya know?
Art is a hard living any way you look at it. and its uncomfortable, people paying you for your creation, your eye, your handwork. I mean, why would someone want me to shoot their wedding? Anyways...
You know like every christmas when we pull out that big box of christmas lights? And its just a huge ball of green with white spikes? and its like... ugh... lets just get new christmas lights, their like a dollar, but then we realize how wasteful we are and untangle the original mess? How yes, it would be easier to start fresh, but if we dont take the time to be careful with the new ones, they'll end up like the old ones? And as soon as you start untangling the big mess, you start to see patterns, rythms to tangles, and they all start to make sense, and soon you have a house lit up like the fourth of july? Christmas in July.
haha. Sometimes i get going and blow myself away by the end. haha.
annnnnyways. my two sense.
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